It is with a heavy heart that I must bid farewell to my roommate, after two remarkably unstressful years. So I'm dusting off this old advertisement, with a few revisions. I've tried softening some of the language to reflect the way that I ought to have mellowed with age, and I edited for brevity (no really!) but it's still two pages long. If you need a room then buckle up, buttercup, and maybe you'll find what you're looking for!
Just remember that my last roommate was amazing and she set the bar pretty high, so if you could be amazing too, that would be great.
The Deal with the Apartment:
This is a shabby two-bedroom town-house style apartment, with living room and kitchen downstairs and the bedrooms and bathroom upstairs. Extremely well-worn carpet throughout. The kitchen is pretty small, but the appliances work fine as long as you don't want to use the middle setting on the large burner. The living room features seventies-style paneling and a storage closet under the stairs. The bathroom is so tiny that the door doesn't open all the way, and the only ventilation is a ceiling fan. The available bedroom is the smaller of the two, has a large closet, and a built-in shelving unit. The room is about 8'9â by 11'3â, not including the closet or shelves.
Your rent is $280 a month. Water is included. Electric varies wildly with the seasons.
Smoking is not permitted anywhere in the building, although residents are permitted to smoke outside provided that they place their butts in a receptacle. There is laundry on-site that will cost you some quarters, and at least one of the machines is always broken, but it gets the job done if you don't want to go to a laundromat.
There is plenty of parking, and I don't drive so you'll get no competition from me.
If you're an EOU student, we're just a couple of minutes' walking distance from the east edge of campus.
There is no TV in the living room, so if you've got one and you wish to install it, there's plenty of space. I've got wifi for the apartment and if you want to share, it will come to about twenty-five dollars a month.
The living room contains a large desk, a shelf, and a small couch that is frequently claimed by the dog. You're welcome to place additional furniture but be warned: he will sit on it.
I've occupied this apartment for over four years. All of the deposits were paid when I moved in and I am not asking for any additional deposit. Just don't be shitty!
The Deal with the Dog:
My dog isn't always easy to understand, and not just because he doesn't speak English. He's almost eight now, but spent his first year in a violent household that left a psychological mark on him. He is quite wary of strangers and thrives best in a quiet, predictable environment. He is suspicious of all physical contact between human beings. Upon meeting you, there is a 103% chance that he will bark, persistently, and try to act tough. This behavior will not be confined to your first encounter, although one hopes it will diminish quickly. A new person in his life is a substantial change, and it will take a lot of time for him to understand you and all the variables that you represent.
He's not going to hurt you, but first encounters won't be calm. The more time he spends with you, the more comfortable he will be.
Our new roommate has to be willing to push through his defenses and forge some kind of friendship with him; he really is a good guy once you get over him acting like a jerk. But you need to understand that becoming his friend will be a process, not an event.
If you're naturally inclined to be afraid of dogs, this situation won't be right for you. On the other hand, he is very motivated by food, and rides, and lovely walks that take place at the end of rides. If you drive and don't mind a dog in your car, there is a fair chance that you already possess the tools for success.
Anybody interested in the room will need to meet him, and go for a walk with us, and decide if this arrangement is worth it to you. He warms to some people quickly, others less so; he's unpredictable and I wish I could give you better idea of what to expect. But once he's comfortable, he's adorable and pretty chill, and likes to roll on his back in the grass, and I think that sometimes he sneaks out to fight crime while I'm at work.
The Deal with the Human:
I too thrive best in a quiet, predictable environment. I'm working on a long-term writing project and I prefer a home without a lot of constant socializing. I am also a maskmaker and I spend a lot of time with my hands covered in paper mache.
I'm really not that difficult to live with, but I am an adult and I have certain expectations of you being an adult too. I expect you to pay all your bills on time. I expect you to buy your own food. I expect you to clean up after yourself: wash your dishes, clean the bathroom and kitchen once in a while. Basically, I don't have any kids and I don't plan to adopt you.
I'm a politically left, socially liberal, gay artist nerd. My dog's name comes from Doctor Who. I owned a comic book store in Chicago for a decade. I have strong opinions about Star Trek and Donald Trump and I'm equally capable of ranting on either topic.
Cooking is an important activity for me, so if you like pie you'll probably appreciate that aspect of living here. I've usually got some left over. The kitchen is small so if you've got a lot of cookware you might want to think about storage solutions (there is room for you to bring in another kitchen shelf.)
Through work, I also have access to a steady supply of coffee beans, more than I can consume on my own. If coffee appeals to you, that is one of the perks of residency.
The Deal with You:
We need a roommate who benefits from the same environment we have here now. Someone who doesn't expect to be throwing any parties in the apartment. Someone who is willing to befriend the dog and not bring too much additional stress.
For the right student, this could be a great place because it's adjacent to campus, but I need the apartment to not become a social center.
I don't expect you to be a politically left, socially liberal, gay artist nerd... but I'm not really looking to create a hilarious 'Odd Couple' situation where my roommate is my polar opposite and we are constantly locking horns. So weirdos, annoying artists, smartass punks and aliens in human form to the front of the line!
Bringing a new person into our home is always going to be a challenge, and one that I don't like to repeat any more often than necessary. To that end, our ideal roommate is also one who is looking to stick around for a while. I'm willing to take a little extra time in the search, in order to find somebody who wants to stay.
A million extra points for people who don't wear cologne or smell like body spray.
I don't own this apartment, I just live here. Even if we meet and decide that you should be my roommate, it won't be official until you are approved by the management company. You'll have to fill out an application and pass a credit check/background check before they will put you on the lease, and the fee for that is like forty bucks. The owners require renter's insurance.
WEIRD BUT APPARENTLY NECESSARY DISCLAIMER: All I am offering is a room for rent. The fact that I am gay does not mean that the room comes with 'benefits' and there is no sneaky subtext to this advertisement. I'm happily partnered, but we do not live together. I just need a roommate so that my expenses don't exceed my income.